Crossroads

Oooohhh f*****************************k!

It’s about time. Well, actually, they postponed it. My annual appraisal and worth to the company. I wonder if the blood, sweat, tears and m-f curses were all worth it. And at the rate my body is becoming a medicine cabinet with all the pills I am imbibing… sheeeeeeeshhhhhh………

I am sick and freaking tired of it. Of it all. It makes me depressed just thinking about it. Every Sunday night I go into withdrawal symptoms and get super grouchy. The office. The work. The super nonsensical bitchiness of slay or be slayed. (I love what I do, please don’t get me wrong.)

I donno lah. I just want to take off, without a care. To where, I don’t know. Sometimes I sit on the throne and just cry… hot silent angry tears. Frustration. Desperation.

The money is good. But not ‘hell-yeah’ kind of super good. Personally, for the shit I have been wading through the past year, I hope I have done enough for a promotion and a raise. Once I get it in black and white… its time to look through classifieds. But actually I am just waiting for that godforsaken white letter before I make any big moves.

But being in a very specialized field, it’s not exactly a walk in the park trying to get a new job. And from the way I left my former company… I don’t think I will be welcomed back there, or its sister company in this lifetime. Ask me personally, and I’ll tell you what I did. haha… that one took guts.

So many paths lie before me. Which one to choose? Knowing that whatever decision I make will affect others… makes it all the more difficult.

Oh blardee hell…. Why didn’t anyone tell me it life would be f*d up like this?

FishFood anyone?

If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work.

Kahlil Gibran

Let me sit in my corner.

Let me find my space.

Leave me alone.

I need to fight my demons.

I need to win this war.

Fill In The Blank

It was a perfect Friday. Things were going unbelievingly smooth. It was nearing knock-off time. Then I went blank. My mind literally went blank. I couldn’t remember what the hell I was doing. And I was midway into a drawing set. Something so familiar that I can do it even in my sleep. For the love of God, what am I supposed to do next?

I just went totally blank. My neurons weren’t connecting.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I cant even give an answer at that point in time if my boss were to ask me. It’s amazing how peaceful and scary that can be. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen, willing my brain to somehow switch back “on”. But it was done for the day. Try as I may, nothing clicked. So for the remaining, what…, half hour or so, I stared, blinking and open-mouthed at my computer screen.

A ringing telephone woke me up from my stupor. I packed up my things and left the office. I nid to think. About what? I don’t know. Go where? I don’t know. I just neded someone to talk to. To offload.

Its Friday, fergodsakes. People got plans. Who the hell would want to spend time being a shoulder to a neurotic loon who lost it in the office?

Running through my contact list, I manage to get a good friend of mine to please meet up with me. She had ship-bunkering to attend to, but she’ll dump it and meet me anyways. God bless for a friend like her.

So while waiting for her to knock off, I took the train without any solid plans. And just headed east. Alighted at cityhall station and walked aimlessly through citilink. Didn’t feel like eating, didn’t feel like stopping by the shoe shops, just walked and walked and walked. Walked into hmv, hoping I could find an album to cheer me up. Found nothing, except a headache from all the loud music they were playing. Left the place.

Walked on to mph. heaven. Had nothing in mind, just browsed the shelves randomly. Picking up any book which had an interesting title or cover. Just read passages here and there. But nothing interesting enough to make me bring out the wallet. Just as well.

My friend called, said she has left the office. So ok, we’ll meet at vivo. At least there’s B&J.

Upon meeting her at candy empire (our meeting point), I burst into tears. It just happened. And I was shaking. My hands were literally shaking. Right there and then in the middle of candy empire. I didn’t care that people were staring at me. I know those idiots were. My friend had to hold my hand and guide me out of the shop, I was still crying like a baby.

She has never seen me like this through-out our friendship. I told her that I just went blank in the office. Just like that. I couldn’t think. I was scared. i… i… I was at a loss for words, for once. She didn’t say anything. Just walked beside me. I guess that’s what I needed at that moment. Someone to hear me talk and not make any judgments.

Thank you friend for being there when I really needed someone at that scary moment. I don’t know where I would have ended up that evening.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

Letting Off Steam

Yeah… I am on a mission.

Whenever my friend is coming, I get all wired up and buzzed and knotty over the slightest little thing. And got like loads of energy waiting to be spent. Craving like no tomorrow, and feeling like laughing and crying and screaming AND whining all at the same time. Sheesh. Scares even me. And one more thing… feeling as graceful as a bloody obese and heavily pregnant walrus. I tell you, if there is one thing I can live without… it’s water retention. I cried on Wednesday morning when I had difficulty buttoning my pants. Cried. Ok. Loopy bitch.

That chick-lit trash I bought yesterday… just about halfway through it. I tell you, it’s hilarious, tho the pace wanders off a little here and there.

“what is a blowjob? It’s what you have done to your hair after a cut.”

The author deadpans to a 5-year old when asked. I was shaking like a lunatic this morning reading this sentence. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. I tell you, if I had one of you kakis with me, I will be laughing like crazy. And that is just one example of the many that I spotted so far.

...substituting a tampon for a ciggie...

...raw oyster looking like snot...

Today was an ok day in the office. Not much hell. Must be the weekend mood kicking in. tomorrow is Friday. Even better. What shall I do over the weekend….? So many things to do. So little time. Precious time. I tell you, I can plan to do so many things and I’ll end up doing the same things every bleeding weekend.

Hear the alarm at 6.30 am, wakes up 2 hours later.

Rolls on bed planning for the day.

Tumbles out of bed around 9. showers

Go market.

The rest of the day is shrouded in a haze of eating, wasting infront of the tv, catching up on emails, eating, wishing I was already at the gym, reading, eating, sleeping, playing with the kids. And oh yeah, did I mention eating?

You catch the drift.

Wasted life.

And with my friend coming any time soon… bollocks.

Dusted off my new NB shoes. (refer to one of my earliest posts). Enough procrastinating. Will walk. Will not bother to jog. Takes too much effort. And my left knee is killing me.

My dad said that once I have shaved off the extra klos, my knee wont be hurting so much. Damn, I hope he is right. Coz last Sunday I couldn’t get up from bed. It hurts. That bad.

Seriously.

I have stopped wearing my heels to work altogether. Even my ballet flats are kept neatly in the shoe rack. I go everywhere with my FitFlops now. Has anyone noticed how tight my bum is already? Wakakakakakaka… of course, when it has been forced into my pants. Which are getting a little too snug for comfort.

Heard on the radio about this extremely fat guy who lost a lot of weight just by proportion control and walking. It meant that he didn’t cut out anything from his diet, he just took it in smaller amounts. And he walked . a lot. Coz he was too heavy to be doing all that strenuous stuff. I think I can handle that. I think.

Vous thinks?

I am a witch when I am tired.

Joanne Fedler

Thought to Self

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout : This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision."
Stacey Charter

-Don't you just love her?

French Fried

Wuz feeling crappy when I left the office. Had to walk off the anger. Stopped by jpt and headed to Popular. Had great fun browsing the magazines and smelling the new paperbacks. Yeah, I know, weird. New, unread books have this unexplained, nice, addictive smell on them. Gave me a high. So high that I “absent-mindedly” picked up one chick-lit trash and a “Beginner’s French” cd/book set.

See what a blanked-out, non-thinking brain can do to me.

Hehehe… got this new project on my hands. What mess did I get myself into now? But I need a new challenge. Got to pick up where I left off yonks ago. Passed my Grade 1 french, but kind of lost it in the cobwebs of my brain. Diana, Hirah, I need your help. Can’t touch French soil, but at least I can speak their language.

Now… if I can only figure out how to download the contents of the cd into my mp3.

Aider, s'il vous plaît ?

Getting there, somehow…

note to self : next purchase : eng/french translation dickshenary

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

B. F. Skinner

A Million Miles Away

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend
And I'm wondering who will be the first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to "could have been"s and we should be letting go.

It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right
And we both know that the story's ending
We play the part but we're just pretending
And I can't hide the tears
'Cause even though you're here
It feels like you're a million miles away

Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season's love is changed
And every time I think about it, it tears me up inside
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry

We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before
While our song is playing its last note
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door.


Note to self : get her cds. Rihanna. Looks good. Sounds better. Killer lyrics.

Hissy Fit

Let me rant… I am pms-ing. And f* pissed about it.

Work… sucks. What’s new. My one hell-uva “great” engineer has finally left the building. So less stress there. Sorta. The guy taking over him is quite new to the whole ball-game. Good *uck to him. SCM audit coming soon. That’s what my big boss says. Nid to dig out old archives and put them in order just in case. Got to keep my shit clean, know what I mean? Dang the system, I say.

And one more thing. This bee-yatch joins our department with no technical background and she starts as an Asst Engineer? Engineer my ass, I say. Just cos she grad with a diploma. No offence to dip grads, but she flat out disgraces anyone who graduated, at any level, with a technical accreditation. F* rite? She claims it has always been a dream of her to work in a shipyard. OMG! I nearly laughed out loud in her face. WTF you talking, BITCH? You step on my turf, you dead.

Yeah, I miss my B&J. Nothing else will do. There is no other substitute.

Sometimes I just zone out while sitting on the porcelain throne at the office. I mean, is this all there is to it? So mechanical, so tick-tock-tick-tock clockwork. It sucks. Especially when there are 1001 more exciting things to do. (like making up new B&J flavours)

My brain bits are flying here there everywhere. I just cant seem to keep on a common thread for long. But basically that’s it. I love what I do. Only if people didn’t try to always push me over the edge.

End of this month I’ll be getting a little white package from my boss (he's another one leaving next month.. been expecting it). I wonder what it’ll say. My performance for the next year depends heavily on it.

So till then, I’ll be pissing my anger around.

Oh yeah, sushi is sooooooo passé.

Gimme B&J…. Gimme ginger chocolates. (nice rite, kremps?)

Oh f*, just let me sleep in for a whole day. And letting me get away with it.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Mark Twain

To the rescue of a Sakunite

Diana, you wanted recipe for laksa, I heard? I got one, husband swears by it. I don’t have the exact measurements (sort of), but I hope you have mastered the skill of guesstimation.

Laksa Lemak (for a family of 4)
4 ekor ikan kembung – rebus, keep the fish stock, use only the meat, throw the bones
(*)1 fistful of udang kering – soak to remove impurities, then rinse
2 batang serai – dititik
(*)2 biji bawang besar
(*)1 fistful bawang putih
(*)2 sudu besar cili boh
(*)1 teaspoon serbuk kunyit
2 small packs kara santan – you might not need all
salt to taste
mee laksa – celur n set aside
taugeh – celur in hot water, rinsed immed in cold, icy water (retain crunchiness)
taupok – cut diagonally in half
tauhu kecil – cut diagonally in half, goreng basah
fishball
fish cake – goreng basah and sliced, put aside
daun selasih – cut finely, for topping/garninsh
daun kesum – cut finely, for topping/garnish
udang – goreng (marinate w a little kunyit serbuk and salt), for topping/garnish
kerang - goreng (shelled, make sure cleaned well, marinated same as udang), for topping/garnish
cucumber – buang kulit, discard the jantung timun (I think tt’s wat its called), shred the rest.

for sambal :
blend cili boh n some salt to taste, tu je.

step 1 :
blend together all the stuffs marked (*)

step 2 :
add in the kembung flesh and 1 senduk fish stock

step 3 :
panaskan minyak, tumis the blended things

step 4 :
dah mendidih, masukkan taupok & fish balls

step 5 :
masukkan santan

step 6 :
masukkan tahu kecil (last, coz it has been goreng basah earlier)


presentation :
place taugeh n noodles in bowl
put in the gravy and isi-isinya
then arrange the udang, kerang, fish cake, timun, daun-daun on top
add a big dollop of sambal for kicks

switch on the tv, put the fan on max, enjoy your bowl of laksa and sweat it, man!

last month, tried something a little different. swapped the mee laksa with udon noodles. I tell, you… sedap! More filling and satisfying. No regrets on that experimentation.

If all else fails, gimme a call n we can play masak-masak again like old times.
But this time not with grass and pebbles.

Where was I...?

So many things to update… so little brain space to share. So typical of me.

Miss Scatterbrain.

Damn…

System all choked up with drugs to think clearly. Yeah, drugs doing me in. Legal drugs. The kind where if I don’t keep track I’ll be head banging on my desk. Sheesh, enough already.

Went for my checkup again just now. Everything went ok. Except that for a 3pm appt, I only managed to see the neurologist at 3.40pm. mp3, once again, saved the day. Ladida-ladida, after getting my meds, left the hospital a bout 4.45pm.

Footed it to IKEA. What a waste of energy. Practically 2/3 of the place was boarded up for upgrading. *slap forehead* *slap forehead again*.

Duh… upgrading so that new stock can be displayed for the august 2008 season. Duh *slaps forehead. again*. That’s why I got the members sale preview. Duh. Double-duh.

So hopped into a cab, zipped to Paragon.

What I got made me smile from ear to ear… kinda crumbled to my needy wishes… got myself a pair of FitFlops. Apparently the latest thing to hit the footwear fashion department. Not just any flipflop, it is a gym on your soles. Too bad they only carry one model at moment. The one that I want, “Electra” (all sequins and girly) will come in end of august. What the heck, I’ll just order it off the net. Since I know my size already. Got the “Walkstar” in black. Wore it there and then in the shop. My heels… they went into the bag. Actually wanted it in white/red. But I think the black/black looks good. Hey, black always looks good.

FitFlops claim to “…increase calf muscle efforts, and extends the avtivation time of certain muscles (your rectus femoris and gluteus maximus muscles) during every single step.”

So look out for miss bigass with a tighter ass soon. Hehehehehehehehe…..HOK (choked on my own laughter, if that’s possible).

Feeling in the mood to exercise (suddenly), I walked all the way from Paragon to Somerset mrt. Took the train to BoonLay. Standing all the way. No pain in feet. Feeling good. Feeling real good. Then can pound it some more at Jurong Point. Then take the bus home, some more. Legs no pain… very good. Cos I really can’t imagine myself doing all this walking in heels. Sheer suicide.

So now, at 11.45pm, my calves are starting to feel a little sore. Earlier, while flipping thru the FitFlops insert, they said… “…As such, we recommend that the FitFlop be used progressively to avoid excessive muscle soreness.”

Now then they say.

Husband, pass me the muscle rub. I cant move my legs.

Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Robert Maynard Hutchins

Mess De Royale

I am a total wreck. I can't seem to think straight anymore. I need to think twice, thrice, or even more before making a decision. Or any decision, for that matter.

This emotional slump is really hitting me hard. No amount of acting or role playing can hide the fact that it’s eating me inside. And leaving just a hollow shell for all the world to see.

I’m spent. My batteries are nearing their expiry dates. All I want to do is just sit in a corner, cry, and eventually die. I just feel neglected. Ignored. By those I thought cared for me.

I just want to call it quits. Pack my bags. Explore the world. See what it has to offer. The grass is always greener on the other side, they say. But you won’t know how green it is until you see it, won’t you?

Scratches of ink on a piece of paper. Maybe, thinking back, it was done in haste. Yes I wanted it, but don’t all people at one point in their lives? I should have followed my gut instincts. I let the sugared dreams cloud my judgments.

Ah, the folly of trying to fit in. The foolishness of doing what is expected.

Sheesh.

This burden, this weight… it’s too heavy to be carried alone. But if it has to be done, it has to be done.

Whatever I tried, it seems to backfire. Nothing I do is right. It has been one left turn after another.

Will the next decision I make be the one to finally break this vicious cycle?

Enough, snap out of it, pessimistic prick. Still got a pulse. Be thankful.

Just to break the black mood… watch this clip. I never thought I could laugh so hard.

Alone

Can someone please give me a hug? It's been ages since someone... anyone... has given me a hug.

Whatever.

Even a half-hearted hug will do.

Pleeeaaaaasssseeeeeee.

Empty.

Emotionally empty.

My thoughts don't matter no more. My opinions don't count no more.

Invisible.

Unloved.

But He's there. Right?

Unconditional.

I get so exhausted trying to make everyone happy that I forget about my own happiness. Enough of all the acting and pretending.

I'll just cry and cry and cry these silent tears until I start to laugh at myself.

Yeah,

I know.

Sounds loopy.

Maybe I am.

33.

wtf have I been doing all my life? I am at a junction in my life where I just don't know where I am heading. Or where I have been.

So many things unachieved. So many dreams not realised.

So sad.

So freaking sad.

So please.

I need a hug. And someone... anyone... telling me that it will be ok tomoro.

Even tho it's one big fucking lie.


Cynically Depressed

I'm full of emptiness
Relaxing with my stress
Don't try to clean my mess
I'm happier this way

I live for my demise
I love who I despise
Feed me a soothing lie
I'm happier that way

When I die
Will I feel darkness in the light
Will I see beauty when I'm blind
I don't have energy for rest
Because I'm cynically depressed

I never thought living clean
Would keep me so lonely
Cure my healthy disease
I'm happier this way

I'm climbing up your walls
So you can watch me fall
I'll never know it all
I'm happier that way

When I die
Will I feel darkness in the light
Will I see beauty when I'm blind
I don't have energy for rest

Because I'm cynically depressed
My youth is dying of apathy and old age
Under my skin is a child running away

When I die
Will I feel darkness in the light
Will I see beauty when I'm blind
I don't have energy for rest
Because I'm cynically depressed

Was just about to log off the net, but You-Tube was making a last minute call. Didn't disappoint me.

Enjoy.



Yeah, I have a bloody corny sense of humour.

Me and My Big Mouth

Yep. I got the attack of the damn irritating cough and sore throat. So bad I felt like reaching in and really giving my throat a damn good scratch. Like how a dog thumps its’ tail when you give it a good scratch behind the ears. I mean, you get the picture.

I have been hacking my throat out since last week, and haven’t really got the energy to do anything else except zone out from the medications. Hey, wait-a-minute, I have been zoning out even without the help of the meds. Heheh, I guess I was more spaced out, then.

The kids thought it was hilarious that mummy dearest lost her voice. So they pretty much tried to ruled the roost. The operative word being tried. Cos I would ultimately catch up with them, and in my raspiest voice, give them a piece of my mind. Didn’t work much, coz half the time while disciplining, I was hacking my lungs out till I was teary.

To make matters worse, I started to leak. No shame in it. I admit it. Kegel didn’t really work for me. Took too much effort. Heh. Dammit! I felt so handicapped! Everytime I wanted to let out a big cough, I have to make sure I am seated. You get what I mean, girls.

And I tell you, nothing brings on a migraine attack like a bad coughing session! I felt like the left side of my head was held in a tight hold. Like being held in a vice-like grip. It took all of my self control to walk in a straight line and not be seen like a drunk. Cos for me, when it hits really, really bad, I have to be guided by walls to get around.

But…

That didn’t stop me from hauling the kids to the Night Safari last Friday. I know, very irresponsible of me. But what the heck. I had fun. They had fun. That’s what matters most. And the most important point of it all, they were totally bushed after the trip, they fell asleep like angels. No pillowfights, no arguments over who gets which pillows or which bed to sleep on. Oh yeah, the small one can be quite feisty. And a sneaky fighter.

And I loaded my system with the necessary drugs and got knocked out until nearly 10.30am the next day.

Serves me right. But I deserve it.

Even when I'm sick and depressed, I love life.

Arthur Rubinstein

Stupid... Stupider... Stupidest...

Was just trying to kill boredom. Found this.

You figure out who the dimwit was in the first place.

All's Well That Ends Well... I think

Yeah, I know… it’s been a loooong time since I last updated my blog. For a moment, I kinda forgot my url/login/password. Again. Blur babe.

Its 11.24pm as I switched on the laptop. Finally, got the kids to settle down and go to bed. Even with bibik, they can be quite a handful. Both of them.

April was an eventful month for me. And for the family. Went to the neuro, got new meds. Was ok for a while. But a few days back got such a massive attack I had to hold to walls to make my way to the kitchen to take my meds. It was that excruciating. That was how bad my migraine attacks were before my meds were “upgraded”. And those kinds of attacks averaged about once a week.

Where shall I start with the family? The kids were knocked out with the flu superbug, I was a stay-at-home mum for a solid week. They both hit the forties till they hallucinated. Heheh, kinda scared me, those episodes. Yep, both of them. The irritating thing was, the temps usually peaked at 2-3am in the morning. I was up all night alternating between the both of them. I was a walking zombie the whole week. Just as they were on the mend, bibik succumbed to it too. I was a regular at the GP that week. I guess I was running on pure adrenaline the whole freaking week. Till now, I am still trying to catch up on my zzzzzs.

Since I had no alternative but to stay at home to assist bibik with the kids, I called the office to re-delegate the projects for the week. And guess what, the super-duper engineer was so reluctant to take on extra jobs he tried to weasel his way out of it. Even suggesting that I come into the office for just a few hours every day just to make sure things are moving. WTF! If I am showing my face in the office for a few hours, I might as well stay there the whole day, right? (Ok, I am beginning to rant here.) I told him off in my most calm voice – took a whole lot of effort – that my kids are the priority at the moment, and they need me at the moment. I pretty much explained in detail the whats, wheres, and whys of the various projects that was due that week. And guess what; he only managed to cover just about half. Ok, for a dumbass, I guess that took a whole lot of effort.

Kakak missed two exam papers due to the flu. English and MT composition writing. I hope she does well in the main language papers to make up for it. She was still a little groggy from the meds when she sat for the maths and language papers. Next week is the PTC where I get to meet her form-teacher and see her exam scripts. Though hoping to see great results, I an happy if she just made the passing grade. I guess we just have to work harder during the S2 papers to make up for it.

The thing with this superbug, it takes a long while for the body to shake it off. Kakak and bibik are still coughing and sniffling from it. Adik still has runny snot once in a while when he gets too hyper. I think I got to make another visit to the GP this weekend to really kill off the coughs.

The surprising thing is, Both hubs and I have not fallen sick throughout the whole month. That is a miracle in itself. Cos I am usually the “opener” and “closer” of the flu attacks in the house. (Actually I found a little trick.) Its not about loading up on vitamin c – by then its too late, anyways. Just by chance, my throat was feeling a little scratchy, so I grabbed whatever snacks that was in my locker in the office. 2 miserable mini-packs of sundried raisins. Not the most enticing snacks, you might say. But after whacking both packs and washing it down with about two swigs of water, the itchiness in my throat just disappeared. Like dewdrops in the morning sun. Just like that. And they never came back. So I told myself, perfect little flu busters. And now I always have a few minipacks in my locker. And it took me 33 years to find out about it. Sheesh!

Actually, got loads more to tell you, but the thoughts are like just zipping here there everywhere in my mind that I can’t, no, don’t know where to start. I guess this is what happens when you just…. I don’t know… let the world fly by you?

And oh yeah, Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all mothers. I guess that flew past me too.

(Enjoy the following quotes, I couldn’t decide which was the best.)

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone

At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you've left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent.
-Golda Meir

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.
-Hodding Carter

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.
-Jill Bensley

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Still Loopy in the Loop

Yeah... still surviving. Still breathing. Still suffering intense migraine attacks. Went for another check-up at AH yesterday. My neurologist upgraded my meds since the ones he prescribed 3 mths ago weren't helping at all. Sometimes I just feel like banging my head on the table just to block out the pain.

So there, you have a pill-popping junkie in your midst.

Will update more regarding my mental state of health when my brain is all wired up properly again.

Oh yeah, btw, my needs and wants list... scrap it. Just let me sleep all I want. That'll be the best gift of all right now.

(But a new pair of heels won't hurt either)

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Albert Einstein

HELP..... i... can't... focus...!!!!!!

I am barely surviving.

It's been a few weeks since I last updated my blog. It's not that I've been procrastinating; it's just that I find it such an effort to just... THINK. I mean, my brain is just so dead the moment I get home, I tell you, I can just sit in front of the telly with my eyes glazed over, and not know what the hell I've been watching for the past hour.

So, sorry peeps, just give me time to find my grey matter again. I am so drained, it is taking me aaaaaa llllooooooootttttt ooooooooffffffff tttttiiiiimmmmmmeeeeee just to get this post up.

Bear with it, will ya!

"I can see clearly now, the brain is gone..."

Shit Happens

Life can’t get more crappy than it already is, right? Up to my eyeballs in shit and they still think I can take in one more job. Last week in the office I was just moments away from having salty tears ruin my drawings again. Again.

I drag my feet to work. Everyday. I miss the days when I actually wake up and look forward to what the day holds for me. Nothing excites me anymore.

Life is so structured, so monotonous, ITS EYEBALL-GOUGING BORING!

Wake up, shower, get dressed. Check, check, check. Eh, wait. Forget to wear bra. Happened this morning. Mind was preoccupied on how to survive another day in the hellhole, oops, office. Ok, bra on. Check. Kiss kids goodbye, slip into shoes, run to elevator landing. Check, check, check. Run to bus-stop in heels to catch feeder service. #@$%! Bus left just as I reached the main road. Pagi-pagi lagi da sumpah orang!

Reach the office, said a little prayer before switching on the workstation. For peace of mind and also my sanity. Cos it can get a little too crazy. Especially on Monday mornings.

Gone are the days when I can still joke and laugh with my colleagues. My colleagues say that I have turned into a grumpy old fart, coz I seem to lose my top every other minute. How not to, when my engineer is such a DUMB-ASS he puts a stupid donkey to shame.

ARGHHHHH!!!

If only I made a bet with my colleagues today. I think I would have won a few bucks. As predicted, by moi, he AWOL. Again. It's becoming a pattern. Either he comes sauntering in at 9, at noon, or doesn’t come in at all. F***ing Jerk! Today, he didn’t turn up at all. And no phonecall. Zilch, zero, nada, nothing!

An operations staff from the workshops once mentioned that if we were to wait for my engineer to turn up for meetings and make a decision, the company would have “closed-shop” long ago.

My boss have hinted a few times to this bugger to buck up. But it remains to be seen. Gone case lah. I think he is just waiting to collect his bonus end of this month and leave. Well, I say good riddance.

What people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can.
Henry David Thoreau

Goody two shus

Met up with the Chai Chee clan about a fortnight ago. Another excuse to walk-walk, eat and shop. Mum finally agreed that Crocs are worth the money. Actually her soles were hurting from all those heels she's been wearing.

So we decided to go to the Marina outlet. And.. mum... chose... the... wedgies... I don't get it. Another pair of heels? I get enough workout on my toes walking in heels from Monday to Thursday in the office. (Truth be told, I cheat a little. I got a spare set of flip-flops in the office. Swear by my Havaianas.) Looking around the shop while my mum was deciding on colours... I saw a pair... THE pair... Celeste Suede.

Berry nice! Berry comfy! Berry worth the price! Looks a little grubby even tho I've worn it only twice. Personally, I call it well-seasoned. Hubs really liked a pair he saw, but damn of all damns... it had pig lining. Too bad!

See!!!!! I manages to upload pictures!!!!! After searching the whole room and cussing, I finally found the USB cable. In the study table drawer. How dense. Yaaaaayyyyy!!!

So there... my wishlist is slowly being realised... can't wait to get my hands on a pair of Campers, tho'. That one... will have to wait for a little while... Even then, I dare not stop by the outlet at Beeboh CT, or else the staff will have to mop up my drool.

Life s one damned thing after another. - Elbert Hubbard

Things that go bump

It has been an eventful Feb. Caught a few movies, lost a few kilos, experienced some hibby-jibbies, got myself a few things I wanted... haiiiizzzz could it get any better? February has been a good month. March... has never been a good month for me. Well, apart from my dad's and son's birthdays, nothing interesting happens. Ok, let's not plunge into March first. There are still a few things in February that I gotta let youz people know.

Just last week I had a very freakin' impossible deadline to work on. My fingers were practically like sotong tentacles all over the keyboard. Even then, I only managed to finish like only 2/3 of it by Thursday night. I was in the office until about 9-ish when I realised what the time was. Then it struck me, malam jumaat. Apa lagi, blah lah. As I was making my way home, I told myself that I had to come in a little earlier tomorrow to make sure everything was in order for my boss by 8+.

By 6.50am the next day, I was already seated at my cubby hole ready to pound the keys again. Oh God! Has my life been reduced to just work, work, work? Just as I was about to work on the first slide, I heard some rustling sounds diagonally opposite me. Can't be. I was the only one in the office. Looked up, there was no one there. So I plugged the earphones in my ear and switched on the radio. CSK! CSK! CSK! There it was again. It sounded like someone was rearranging messy papers on the table. "Dammit, I need to work here!" I "talked" to it(?) silently. It went quiet.

CSK! CSK! CSK! This time it sounded more like someone crumpling a plastic bag. Don't know where I got the nerve to stay on and continue working. But I pulled out the earphones and set my radio to loudspeaker. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Damn! Only 7.00am. Please remember, I only switched on the light above my cubby hole. The rest of the office was still dark. Then out of the corner of my left eye, I thought I saw someone walking past my cubby hole. Erh, can't be. Moved too fast. Where the heck did I have the guts to stay on and continue working? I have no freakin' idea. Again, the shadow passed a few times just out of my direct view. Irritating, right?

Then I thought I saw a long haired person walk by a particular area. I thought, hey, someone else is here to keep me company. Then I realised. Heeeeeyyyyyy...... the only person with access to that particular area usually comes just in time at 8.00am sharp. And it's a guy.

SO WHO WAS THAT?????

Your guess is as good as mine.

The fearless are merely fearless. People who act in spite of their fear are truly brave.
James A. Lafond-Lewis

Movie, movie, movie

After like... ages of not going to a cinema... I caught 3 movies in a fortnight. Overdose. Yah. But they were good movies. Ok lah. Watchable.

CNY eve, for want of an activity to kill boredom, caught “Atonement” with 2 of my galpals at Shaw cinema. Kiera Knightley was in it. Had a good storyline, but I think too much time was spent on the war scenes (not relevant, I felt). That woman got no boobs, man! Not even lime-sized! Washboard flat! Thank gosh she had prominent nipples, or else she could be passed off for a guy. I mean check out her jawbone structure! I mean, yahlah, I was that bored in some parts of the movie to make my mind wander. One of my galpals actually fell asleep n SNORED a little. I had to elbow her a few times throughout the movie. Gotcha, Lin!

Just this past Wednesday I thought of taking time off to myself and watch “Jumper” at Jpt. Actually, I was on lazy leave from the office. Woke up at 7.40, work starts at 8.00. So whaddaya think? But hubs saw me on the website page n decided to book tix online. 9.15 show. Yah. In the pm. Yah. At vivocity. Yah. I thought… omg, I gotta get up early tmr to work, know….

So ok lah. He click, click, click and did the necessary. Then said he wanted to go to the AXS machine to get the tix. I said ok lah fine. Go get it. Spent the afternoon surfing the ‘net for nonsense thingies lah. Brain wasn’t really functioning. 7+, went to vivocity in a cab. Tried again at the AXS machine ar Citibank to get tix. Still cant. So went straight up to GV to get them. When he was at the counter, the staff said, “sir, u booked at GV Grand, not here.” SO… a bit whacked in the face coz overlooked a minor detail… nothing much, practically ran to cab stand ot get cab. Damned! Long q. suggested standing opposite St James. Yep, got cab. Pronto.

Managed to reach GV Grand before cut-off time. Apparently, he booked the gold class category. No wonder it costs $51 in total. And here we were in jeans, flip-flops and suburban scruffy tshirts. Was in my nerd specs and hair off my face with a hair band. No wonder the staff looked at us one kind.

The seats were comfy, blankets were provided, and food and drinks brought to us in the theatre (I think it was a twelve seater theatre). Bloody paying for exclusivity, I think. We didn’t q up at the candy bar to get our stuffs. We went to the lounge where we sat on comfy sofas and minders took our orders. But it was nice lah. Mcm orang suaku sikit!

The movie was nice. Hayden Christiansen nice eye candy, in a way. Samuel L Jackson never disappoints. But this time he played the baddie. No beshhh. Movie kept me awake, the aircon also. Cos even after swaddling myself in my shawl and their blanket, I was still shivering, but teeth not quite chattering yet.

I suggest you watch the movie. Worth the time and money. If you like x-men, you’ll like jumper. Same genre.

Yesterday met up with another of my gerfren. Decided to catch a movie at Cathay Cineleisure. We both had not been to that place in yonks… to the extent we got lost trying to find the ticket counter. Yah lah, blurchicks lah both of us. Actually we planned to watch “PS I Love You”, but after reading reviews, think that “Juno” was a better watch. Actually, hilarious in a serious, weepy kind of way.

You gotta watch it if you can. After the movie, we just need to say the words “division sign, plus sign”, “SunnyD”, orange tictacs”, or the best yet “golden shorts”. We’ll both be laughing our heads off. Well, actually, we were either crying or laughing or both, throughout the whole movie. You watch the movie, you’ll know why.

It’s M18, so if you’re underaged, too bad. Geek guys, don’t miss it. There’s Jennifer Garner. She’s good in my books. And also Jason Bateman. Not that I am a fan. Still looks the same all these years, only a little pudgier.

After movie we went to coffee club @ taka to eat. Hungry mah! This time had no minders to bring food to us, lah, ok. Didn’t eat much, cos there was so much to talk about. Yah, it happens when girls meet. We gossip. Nah. We bitch. About anything and everything. And I think we both still look ok after having 2 kids each, cos I think the wait staff were flirting a little. Wakakakakaka!! Erh, one was when he was taking our orders… toffee-coffee and cheesecake and raspberry coulis for me… delish! Stayed there till about 11, I think, then we drove around a bit, coz we still had loads to upload, decided to hang at starbucks, coz they close at 2am. Talked and talked and talked and talked. Until closing time. Actually we still had loads to talk about, so we are definitely meeting up again soon.

Yeah, Gladys, I make sure we meet up again soon. This time we find a cinema closer to our area. Hubs… stay home and mind the kids for me, thanks.

Btw, got my running shoes. New Balance. In maroon and grey/silver. Sounds icky, but looks nice. And definitely feels good on my feet. Thanks hubs.

You did say you’ll pay for my 24 month gym contract, right? I’ll hold your word to it!

PS : Yayyyy!!!!! Blurchick know how to upload pix oredy!!!!

Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends.
Mary Catherwood

Up and Down, Needs and Wants

Last week was another good reason to fill up the tank. I mean, in Singapore, what else is there to do apart from working and sleeping?

CNY eve, eat big with frens. CNY Day 1, eat big with siblings. CNY Day 2, eat in with family. CNY Day 3, eat out with family. CNY Day 4, eat many many many at Chai Chee. How could I ever say no to mum’s chicken curry and kremp’s cupcakes? Simply divinely heaven on earth. How to lose weight, then?

Actually on the eve of CNY eve, I was at the gym. Blasted an hour or so on the cardio machines, and little more on resistance training. But all gone to waste with all the eating I did on the following days.

To pacify myself (in self-defence mode), I declared it a ”let loose, what-the-heck” long weekend. Before heading to my mum’s place yesterday, I did a session at the gym in the morning. Managed to burn up about 450 calories (kept track this time), banged up my knee pretty bad (old injury), got a slight migraine (straining with weights and breathlessness – propranolol a great big help), and just plain knocked out. It was a case of mind over matter to get my body from jpt all the way to st91.

But actually, it wasn’t all that bad… I managed to shave off 2kgs. Yayyyyy!!!! Then it got me thinking… if only… IF ONLY… I didn’t plough my way through the weekend with food, I could have lost more. On one hand, I feel like jumping and dancing like Grandpa Bucket, on the other hand, I feel like giving myself a big kick in the behind for not having the cow-sense to control my eating. Quick, someone pass me a Meiji Dark Chocolate bar. What? No hep? Nebermine. I’ll get one tomolo at 7-11 on the way to work.

Needs : glucosamine tablets (my knees goes click-click everytime I walk) abt $45, elastic knee binder (size M) : abt $30, wardrobe overhaul (pangkat sudah up lah beb!) : many many $$$, pay 24mth gym contract (expiry next mth) : abt $1900, subscription to Shape magazine (better than Her World) : $60, new pair of sports shoes – pref mizuno, asics, nb or saucony : abt $230, (nike and adidas sux, only good for streetwear, I think).

Wants : crème de la mer anti-wrinkle/eye bag cream (used up the sampler) : omg, so ex!!, a pair of 3lbs foam covered dumbbells (to workout at home) : abt $43, nike yoga mat and carrier (becoz I like the texture and colors) : abt $65, a pair of heels from Guess? (just becoz) : abt $120, a pair of Crocs (old one in the archives already) : abt $90, a pair of Campers sneakers (wore old one to extinction) : abt $320.

Valentine’s Day coming up. Forget fancy flower bouquets, forget little blue packages with white ribbons. Not much of a bling-bling kind of girl. Just give me earth-shattering, lip-smacking chocolates (try to get it from Candy Empire – or just the banana split from nyny @ citylink mall) and pick from one of the above. See which one fits into your budget.


Hubs… HINT! HINT! HINT! Be generous. Please.

Who said Val Day only for lovers? Friend-ly love, sister-ly love (hint, hint!), daughter-ly love, sister-inlaw-ly love, cousin-ly love, colleague-ly love, ex-schoolmate-y love, neighbour-ly love… the more the merrier. Have I missed out anyone? So see which category you fit into, and do the necessary. Do I have to spell it out for you?

How much do I love thee… depends on which of the above you get me. Shameless, this chick!

Wakakakakakakakakakakaka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream on, blubber! PS : I am usually not so thick-skinned. Must be the overworked liver flushing out the toxins.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Mark Twain

The Blob

Yah. I’m still fat. Since x’mas I have been controlling my food intake. Serious. I have been having only salads for lunch. Sometimes with a little canned tuna, boiled ‘taters, grilled chooks or just plain greens. So far I am still standing up n breathing ok. Kinda made me discover that I can live without rice. But I can’t go for more than a day without bread. I still need that little bit of starch/carbo thing to get my day going. So I indulge a little bit.

Breakfast… nutella and peanut butter between 2 slices of bread. Huh? What kind of a diet is that? But I find that if I just slather butter n sugar or plain pbj… it doesn’t work for me. I’ll be damn peckish by 10.30am. So by trial n error, nutella n peanut butter is just nice. I’ll be felling slightly peckish by 11.45am or so… I’ll stave it off by drinking about a 300-400ml of plain water. Then just nice, I’ll have my lunch at 12.15pm. All thanks to bibik, I don’t have to wake up any earlier to pack the lunch. Bless her soul! Dinner, depends. Sometimes I’ll be working late in the office, so I don’t have the energy to eat when I get home.

Usually dinner is just a full cup of low-fat milk. Either HL or Meiji. Other than those two, the other brands taste a little flat. But I can’t stomach HL chocolate, banana or strawberry flavours. But I got to make it known, oat milk tastes great. At the moment I just cant remember the brand. Was it marigold… or magnolia… I only recall that it starts from letter M…mmmmmm nice! If I feel really hungry when I get home, I’ll just take whatever is for dinner in a small bowl just to keep my stomach filled. And yeah, no rice. Serious!

It went ok… for a while.

Then my weight reached a plateau. Didn’t move. I got so stressed! No matter how much I sweated at the gym, it just won’t melt off. Do you know how depressing it was? Still is! So now if I knock off early, I will walk the whole of jpt. No spending (ok, mb just a little bit). Then I’ll take the bus home, drop a bus stop further from my place AND continue walking. If I am at the gym, I’ll stick the cross trainer like glue, until my knees feel like jelly and still it will hover at that dreaded weight. I wonder if cutting my hair shorter will make me weigh less. Hahaha! What a stupid thought!

But I make exceptions for… sushi!

This is a daily battle for me. And it makes it harder when people keep saying that I am fat, I never seem to stop eating, and all those negative comments. God! You think I like being fat? But I wont go to the extent of dieting and surviving on coffee and crackers. Everyday. My ex-schoolmate was a regular in NUH. Forever on a drip. It messed up her internals so much she couldn’t conceive and went through, I think, two miscarriages. That count was when I last met her 4 years ago. Tu keje bodoh. She was so conscious of looking good that she sometimes wouldn’t let anything pass her lips. Even though it was clear to all that she was in a cold sweat and about to pass out. Stupid!

I’d rather be a little filled-out and healthy, rather than stick-thin and miserable. I mean, how can any stick insect live in Singapore when there are so many foods to try out? But losing a few inches would be nice. It sounds nicer to ask for a medium size than a large size. I realised that it’s more satisfying to see my weight drop in terms of clothes sizes than by weight. Wish me luck!

It's OK to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
Roseanne Arnold

Gorge Fest

Last Sunday, the family and I plus Hasnul’s 3 nephews went to Sakae Sushi for dinner… Ooooh… it was best. Not the bestest, but "happening" enough for us to share a few laughs, try out a few new dishes, n basically stuff ourselves silly.

I am a regular at the outlet @ The Frontier, yep, to the extent that a handful of the staff and 2 of the managers recognize me by face. My name? Too complicated I guess for their tongues to grasp. But no matter. Place is great. Food is great.

Back to our gorge-fest (you’ll find out why later).

After spending the whole day lazing around watching the telly and playing computer games till we were cross-eyed, hubs and I decided to make good the promise of bringing the 3 taman jurong boys out for sushi. Yep, I promised one of them this meal after he recovered. So after a nap (me) I decided to get things moving. It was a flurry of activities to get the two kids dressed (Hadyr was running around in just diapers, Hiqma can’t decide what to wear), getting me bum off the bed, getting hubs away from his 2nd wife - the laptop, we were dressed and good to go by about 5pm.Who cares if it was drizzling, nothing could get in the way of me and my sushi. And also Hiqma has been bugging me about "when are we going sakae, mama?" since she got wind of my promise. It was gonna be her 2nd visit there.

So we called the boys to meet us at the entrance of Sakae Sushi @ The Frontier. Cutting a long story short, yeah, we met the boys, got ushered to our seats and proceeded to place our order. Ok, so there were plates with the regular sushis and sashimis on the conveyor belt. Hiqma promptly took down a few plates. While the boys were deciding what to order from the menu, she worked through her plates. I took a plate down and Hadyr knocked back two pieces with no trouble. Good thing I was sitting between him and the conveyor belt, or else he would have taken every plate that came our way. Not that he didn’t try. I think the back of my t-shirt has a few shoe prints to prove it. (read : he climbed all over me to get to it).

So the guys being adventurous but a little cautious, ordered the salmon pasta, nabe ramen and I think one of them ordered a soba dish. Hubs ordered the tenzaru soba. Good choice. The boys had a kick repeating the word "nabe" to the wait staff. All I could do was to hide my face in my hands. The wait staff just looked at them. Wondered what she was thinking.

I ordered two aeroplane meals for the kids. Generous pieces grilled chicken with rice cakes (yumyum), two pieces of sushi, two cocktail hotdogs, and some vegs. Its called the aeroplane cos it’s served on an aeroplane shaped plate. Duh! Comes with complimentary yakult. Only for kids below 12 years old. For me, it must be the cha soba. Oooohhhh…. No visit is complete for me until I have the cha soba. Cold green tea noodles soaked in the dipping sauce and then slurped noisily. Forget table manners, this is simply divine. I can have bowls and bowls of this. I must also have my "hana maki". Vinegared rice, wrapped with slices of raw salmon, with a small dollop of japanese mayonnaise and fish roe. Ooo… heaven. Turns out, Hiqma has decided to be adventurous and give it a try. She loves it. Simply cos it has mayonnaise. She also managed to polish off 4 slices of salmon sashimi. Not bad for a kid who spat it out a few months ago. (That time I ordered a home delivery set). So I guess now I got a sashimi eating kaki. Convinced the boys it tastes great. After taking half a slice, they couldn’t take it. Spat it out. What a waste! Note to self : gotta work on them. Hubs… nah… he doesn’t go for the raw stuff. His tenzaru soba set came with tempura and of course the soba was served on a bed of ice. How to eat? Like that lah. Dip the soba in the dipping sauce and then slurp. Have you ever watched japan hour? Where got they eat noodles quietly? You gotta slurp it, baby! Half of the plate went to Hiqma. There was a raw quail egg also. Now, that I usually skip. So they (the boys+hubs) argued what to do with it. In the end, they broke it on the table. Good thing sakae provide wet napkins.

So apart from the ala-carte dishes, we picked up, I think, about 19 coloured plates and 5 premium plates. The coloured plates are the normal maki and sushi versions. The premium plates were Hiqma’s and my doing. Endless hana maki and salmon sashimi. (but I don’t recommend squid sashimi, tastes like sweet rubberbands). Oh, you must also try the sun maki. Cucumber and some other things (cant remember) wrapped in seaweed and vinegared rice, then rolled in fish roe and then topped with slices of avocado and shredded crabsticks. Ooohhh… so sedap! You gotta taste it to believe it. Another one is the sunshine maki. This is different. It’s deep fried prawn (the ones that cost about $7-$9 a kilo at the wet markets, medium sized), wrapped in seaweed, vinegared rice, then wrapped in thinly sliced succulent mangoes. OMG! Sounds icky, but the taste… the crunchiness of the prawn, with the sweetness of the mango, and two pieces of salmon roe on top… mmmm… just goes together. Pure bliss!

After working through plate after plate after plate, we finally… FINALLY… decided we had enough. We called the wait staff to count the damage done and proceeded to pay at the counter. It was cheaper than I expected, even before they factored in my membership discount (of course I already had the discount card). It was only then all of us discovered that we were a little too full. Gluttons! Step by step, we groaned and walked to the toilets nearby to freshen up, sat for a few minutes at the sofas at the lobby of The Frontier, then heaved our asses to Jurong Point (jpt) to walk off the meal. It was total chaos at jpt. All I could see was peopleand the non-stop tong-cheng-tong-cheng music here, there, everywhere! Then I remembered, oh yeah, the last weekend before CNY.

Hubs wanted to go to Courts and Harvey Norman to suss out the laptops. There were a few that caught his liking, so I guess he’ll be getting his hands on one pretty soon. Boring thing for me. One laptop is as good as another. But I guess salivating at new laptops for him is the same as me doing the "ker-chinggg" at Bodyshop or Esprit or Giordano or World of Sports or just making my ATM card work hard. I got a new water bottle for Hadyr, cos he was biting the flexible straw off of the current one. Hiqma, as usual, "what he have, I also want". Even though her nike water bottle is still doing fine. Heck lah, just get it lah. In pink. Of all colours. Urgh!

Then Hiqma saw the Andersens icecream booth. She wants icecream. Sooo jelak. The ice cream's too milky for me. Suggested Scoopz at the basement. She got vanilla-mint (mint flavour is her current fave), I got old fashioned vanilla with hersheys chocolate sauce (cos Hubs only likes vanilla - boring). Cant eat the whole cup, too full. Needed to share. Can’t remember what the boys had, coz they took too long to decide so I just passed them the money to get their own cups while I went to the back of the shop to sit and enjoy my ice cream.

Overall, it was a nice evening. The boys were already thinking about where to "ketok" us for their birthdays. Thank god it’s still far away in June.

But then Sakae is fine with me. So please remember, if any one of you got the craving to eat sushi or sashimi or ramen or soba, just make sure it’s Sakae. Call me, I’m always available. (",)

A gourmet is just a glutton with brains.

Philip W. Haberman, Jr.

Wonderfully Blunderfool - Part 2

Yep... correct lah. I gave y'all the right http. I mean, my brain is so all over the place, it's a miracle I can still find my way home everyday. Or maybe that is on auto-pilot already. And actually soooo many things have been going on in my life that I don't know where to start If I were to just blab it all out, it'll be one hell of a jigsaw puzzle n a major pain in the a* to find the gist of it all. But I'll get there... Soon... I'll be savouring some orange cake this wkend... so I'll let you know how it went.

Oh yeah, btw, the kids are doing well. Apart from attempting to make me lose my sanity and patience, they are a couple of sweet angels. Really.

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.
Jacob August Riis

Wonderfully Blunderfool

Issshhh..... I think I gave everyone the wrong http to my blog. The funny thing is... I can't remember it also. I mean, I remember my password this time, but I firgot the http. What a dumbass! Now I am practically staring at the screen, trying to get to MY blog to see if it really works. I mean, from the http. This really sucks. I know, you guys are probably in stitches and really turning blue from all that laughing. But this is me. Blurcock. Except that I don't have a cock. Obviously. I'll try again and then I'll update this again. This is so malu-ating!

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

Get on with it!

I know... I know, I've been sitting on my large ass for faaar tooo looong...

Sibling, cousins, friends, colleagues... rejoice! I have finally decided to do the right thing and... erh... lost my train of thought there... oh yeah, update y'all with whatever that's going on in my life. Surprising, considering that we are all living on the same island, in the same time zone, yet we can get so disconnected with each other sometimes. There I go again, if I am not sitting on me bum thinking about what I am supposed to be doing, I'll be going off tangent.

Focus, Fin, focus!

Yeah, I'm still me. Apart from a few more grey hairs (bless my hairdresser) and definitely loads more kilos (I'll start the diet tomorrow, I promise), I'm still me. All 32years of it. And proud of it.

Enough of the intro, sounds so cheesy. As if you don't know me already.

God has been very good to me, even though I have not been thanking Him enough. The idea is there, but I just gotta get it into motion. So much for New Year's Resolution. Not talking about the 2008 ones, the Muharram ones. Praying is still an effort for me. I know, I know, blast me, shoot me straight to hell. Damn it, it should be second nature to me. But what the heck is wrong with me? Setan da serap dalam sangat ke? I need to do some serious thinking here.

Maybe that's the reason I find happiness so superficial. I mean, yeah, I laugh, I feel happy, but deep inside I feel kinda unfulfilled. Like something's missing. Faith. Can't lose sight of it. Hope. Can't let it go, no matter what.

Dammit, Fin, get started.

Lately, I find myself asking a lot of questions. And getting frustrated 'coz I can't get answers to them. And I talk to myself a lot. Am I crazy?

Still not too late, I hope. For redemption.

Take the first step. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr.