Crossroads

Oooohhh f*****************************k!

It’s about time. Well, actually, they postponed it. My annual appraisal and worth to the company. I wonder if the blood, sweat, tears and m-f curses were all worth it. And at the rate my body is becoming a medicine cabinet with all the pills I am imbibing… sheeeeeeeshhhhhh………

I am sick and freaking tired of it. Of it all. It makes me depressed just thinking about it. Every Sunday night I go into withdrawal symptoms and get super grouchy. The office. The work. The super nonsensical bitchiness of slay or be slayed. (I love what I do, please don’t get me wrong.)

I donno lah. I just want to take off, without a care. To where, I don’t know. Sometimes I sit on the throne and just cry… hot silent angry tears. Frustration. Desperation.

The money is good. But not ‘hell-yeah’ kind of super good. Personally, for the shit I have been wading through the past year, I hope I have done enough for a promotion and a raise. Once I get it in black and white… its time to look through classifieds. But actually I am just waiting for that godforsaken white letter before I make any big moves.

But being in a very specialized field, it’s not exactly a walk in the park trying to get a new job. And from the way I left my former company… I don’t think I will be welcomed back there, or its sister company in this lifetime. Ask me personally, and I’ll tell you what I did. haha… that one took guts.

So many paths lie before me. Which one to choose? Knowing that whatever decision I make will affect others… makes it all the more difficult.

Oh blardee hell…. Why didn’t anyone tell me it life would be f*d up like this?

FishFood anyone?

If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work.

Kahlil Gibran

Let me sit in my corner.

Let me find my space.

Leave me alone.

I need to fight my demons.

I need to win this war.

Fill In The Blank

It was a perfect Friday. Things were going unbelievingly smooth. It was nearing knock-off time. Then I went blank. My mind literally went blank. I couldn’t remember what the hell I was doing. And I was midway into a drawing set. Something so familiar that I can do it even in my sleep. For the love of God, what am I supposed to do next?

I just went totally blank. My neurons weren’t connecting.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I cant even give an answer at that point in time if my boss were to ask me. It’s amazing how peaceful and scary that can be. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen, willing my brain to somehow switch back “on”. But it was done for the day. Try as I may, nothing clicked. So for the remaining, what…, half hour or so, I stared, blinking and open-mouthed at my computer screen.

A ringing telephone woke me up from my stupor. I packed up my things and left the office. I nid to think. About what? I don’t know. Go where? I don’t know. I just neded someone to talk to. To offload.

Its Friday, fergodsakes. People got plans. Who the hell would want to spend time being a shoulder to a neurotic loon who lost it in the office?

Running through my contact list, I manage to get a good friend of mine to please meet up with me. She had ship-bunkering to attend to, but she’ll dump it and meet me anyways. God bless for a friend like her.

So while waiting for her to knock off, I took the train without any solid plans. And just headed east. Alighted at cityhall station and walked aimlessly through citilink. Didn’t feel like eating, didn’t feel like stopping by the shoe shops, just walked and walked and walked. Walked into hmv, hoping I could find an album to cheer me up. Found nothing, except a headache from all the loud music they were playing. Left the place.

Walked on to mph. heaven. Had nothing in mind, just browsed the shelves randomly. Picking up any book which had an interesting title or cover. Just read passages here and there. But nothing interesting enough to make me bring out the wallet. Just as well.

My friend called, said she has left the office. So ok, we’ll meet at vivo. At least there’s B&J.

Upon meeting her at candy empire (our meeting point), I burst into tears. It just happened. And I was shaking. My hands were literally shaking. Right there and then in the middle of candy empire. I didn’t care that people were staring at me. I know those idiots were. My friend had to hold my hand and guide me out of the shop, I was still crying like a baby.

She has never seen me like this through-out our friendship. I told her that I just went blank in the office. Just like that. I couldn’t think. I was scared. i… i… I was at a loss for words, for once. She didn’t say anything. Just walked beside me. I guess that’s what I needed at that moment. Someone to hear me talk and not make any judgments.

Thank you friend for being there when I really needed someone at that scary moment. I don’t know where I would have ended up that evening.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

Letting Off Steam

Yeah… I am on a mission.

Whenever my friend is coming, I get all wired up and buzzed and knotty over the slightest little thing. And got like loads of energy waiting to be spent. Craving like no tomorrow, and feeling like laughing and crying and screaming AND whining all at the same time. Sheesh. Scares even me. And one more thing… feeling as graceful as a bloody obese and heavily pregnant walrus. I tell you, if there is one thing I can live without… it’s water retention. I cried on Wednesday morning when I had difficulty buttoning my pants. Cried. Ok. Loopy bitch.

That chick-lit trash I bought yesterday… just about halfway through it. I tell you, it’s hilarious, tho the pace wanders off a little here and there.

“what is a blowjob? It’s what you have done to your hair after a cut.”

The author deadpans to a 5-year old when asked. I was shaking like a lunatic this morning reading this sentence. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. I tell you, if I had one of you kakis with me, I will be laughing like crazy. And that is just one example of the many that I spotted so far.

...substituting a tampon for a ciggie...

...raw oyster looking like snot...

Today was an ok day in the office. Not much hell. Must be the weekend mood kicking in. tomorrow is Friday. Even better. What shall I do over the weekend….? So many things to do. So little time. Precious time. I tell you, I can plan to do so many things and I’ll end up doing the same things every bleeding weekend.

Hear the alarm at 6.30 am, wakes up 2 hours later.

Rolls on bed planning for the day.

Tumbles out of bed around 9. showers

Go market.

The rest of the day is shrouded in a haze of eating, wasting infront of the tv, catching up on emails, eating, wishing I was already at the gym, reading, eating, sleeping, playing with the kids. And oh yeah, did I mention eating?

You catch the drift.

Wasted life.

And with my friend coming any time soon… bollocks.

Dusted off my new NB shoes. (refer to one of my earliest posts). Enough procrastinating. Will walk. Will not bother to jog. Takes too much effort. And my left knee is killing me.

My dad said that once I have shaved off the extra klos, my knee wont be hurting so much. Damn, I hope he is right. Coz last Sunday I couldn’t get up from bed. It hurts. That bad.

Seriously.

I have stopped wearing my heels to work altogether. Even my ballet flats are kept neatly in the shoe rack. I go everywhere with my FitFlops now. Has anyone noticed how tight my bum is already? Wakakakakakaka… of course, when it has been forced into my pants. Which are getting a little too snug for comfort.

Heard on the radio about this extremely fat guy who lost a lot of weight just by proportion control and walking. It meant that he didn’t cut out anything from his diet, he just took it in smaller amounts. And he walked . a lot. Coz he was too heavy to be doing all that strenuous stuff. I think I can handle that. I think.

Vous thinks?

I am a witch when I am tired.

Joanne Fedler

Thought to Self

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout : This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision."
Stacey Charter

-Don't you just love her?

French Fried

Wuz feeling crappy when I left the office. Had to walk off the anger. Stopped by jpt and headed to Popular. Had great fun browsing the magazines and smelling the new paperbacks. Yeah, I know, weird. New, unread books have this unexplained, nice, addictive smell on them. Gave me a high. So high that I “absent-mindedly” picked up one chick-lit trash and a “Beginner’s French” cd/book set.

See what a blanked-out, non-thinking brain can do to me.

Hehehe… got this new project on my hands. What mess did I get myself into now? But I need a new challenge. Got to pick up where I left off yonks ago. Passed my Grade 1 french, but kind of lost it in the cobwebs of my brain. Diana, Hirah, I need your help. Can’t touch French soil, but at least I can speak their language.

Now… if I can only figure out how to download the contents of the cd into my mp3.

Aider, s'il vous plaît ?

Getting there, somehow…

note to self : next purchase : eng/french translation dickshenary

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

B. F. Skinner

A Million Miles Away

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend
And I'm wondering who will be the first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to "could have been"s and we should be letting go.

It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right
And we both know that the story's ending
We play the part but we're just pretending
And I can't hide the tears
'Cause even though you're here
It feels like you're a million miles away

Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season's love is changed
And every time I think about it, it tears me up inside
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry

We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before
While our song is playing its last note
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door.


Note to self : get her cds. Rihanna. Looks good. Sounds better. Killer lyrics.

Hissy Fit

Let me rant… I am pms-ing. And f* pissed about it.

Work… sucks. What’s new. My one hell-uva “great” engineer has finally left the building. So less stress there. Sorta. The guy taking over him is quite new to the whole ball-game. Good *uck to him. SCM audit coming soon. That’s what my big boss says. Nid to dig out old archives and put them in order just in case. Got to keep my shit clean, know what I mean? Dang the system, I say.

And one more thing. This bee-yatch joins our department with no technical background and she starts as an Asst Engineer? Engineer my ass, I say. Just cos she grad with a diploma. No offence to dip grads, but she flat out disgraces anyone who graduated, at any level, with a technical accreditation. F* rite? She claims it has always been a dream of her to work in a shipyard. OMG! I nearly laughed out loud in her face. WTF you talking, BITCH? You step on my turf, you dead.

Yeah, I miss my B&J. Nothing else will do. There is no other substitute.

Sometimes I just zone out while sitting on the porcelain throne at the office. I mean, is this all there is to it? So mechanical, so tick-tock-tick-tock clockwork. It sucks. Especially when there are 1001 more exciting things to do. (like making up new B&J flavours)

My brain bits are flying here there everywhere. I just cant seem to keep on a common thread for long. But basically that’s it. I love what I do. Only if people didn’t try to always push me over the edge.

End of this month I’ll be getting a little white package from my boss (he's another one leaving next month.. been expecting it). I wonder what it’ll say. My performance for the next year depends heavily on it.

So till then, I’ll be pissing my anger around.

Oh yeah, sushi is sooooooo passé.

Gimme B&J…. Gimme ginger chocolates. (nice rite, kremps?)

Oh f*, just let me sleep in for a whole day. And letting me get away with it.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Mark Twain

To the rescue of a Sakunite

Diana, you wanted recipe for laksa, I heard? I got one, husband swears by it. I don’t have the exact measurements (sort of), but I hope you have mastered the skill of guesstimation.

Laksa Lemak (for a family of 4)
4 ekor ikan kembung – rebus, keep the fish stock, use only the meat, throw the bones
(*)1 fistful of udang kering – soak to remove impurities, then rinse
2 batang serai – dititik
(*)2 biji bawang besar
(*)1 fistful bawang putih
(*)2 sudu besar cili boh
(*)1 teaspoon serbuk kunyit
2 small packs kara santan – you might not need all
salt to taste
mee laksa – celur n set aside
taugeh – celur in hot water, rinsed immed in cold, icy water (retain crunchiness)
taupok – cut diagonally in half
tauhu kecil – cut diagonally in half, goreng basah
fishball
fish cake – goreng basah and sliced, put aside
daun selasih – cut finely, for topping/garninsh
daun kesum – cut finely, for topping/garnish
udang – goreng (marinate w a little kunyit serbuk and salt), for topping/garnish
kerang - goreng (shelled, make sure cleaned well, marinated same as udang), for topping/garnish
cucumber – buang kulit, discard the jantung timun (I think tt’s wat its called), shred the rest.

for sambal :
blend cili boh n some salt to taste, tu je.

step 1 :
blend together all the stuffs marked (*)

step 2 :
add in the kembung flesh and 1 senduk fish stock

step 3 :
panaskan minyak, tumis the blended things

step 4 :
dah mendidih, masukkan taupok & fish balls

step 5 :
masukkan santan

step 6 :
masukkan tahu kecil (last, coz it has been goreng basah earlier)


presentation :
place taugeh n noodles in bowl
put in the gravy and isi-isinya
then arrange the udang, kerang, fish cake, timun, daun-daun on top
add a big dollop of sambal for kicks

switch on the tv, put the fan on max, enjoy your bowl of laksa and sweat it, man!

last month, tried something a little different. swapped the mee laksa with udon noodles. I tell, you… sedap! More filling and satisfying. No regrets on that experimentation.

If all else fails, gimme a call n we can play masak-masak again like old times.
But this time not with grass and pebbles.

Where was I...?

So many things to update… so little brain space to share. So typical of me.

Miss Scatterbrain.

Damn…

System all choked up with drugs to think clearly. Yeah, drugs doing me in. Legal drugs. The kind where if I don’t keep track I’ll be head banging on my desk. Sheesh, enough already.

Went for my checkup again just now. Everything went ok. Except that for a 3pm appt, I only managed to see the neurologist at 3.40pm. mp3, once again, saved the day. Ladida-ladida, after getting my meds, left the hospital a bout 4.45pm.

Footed it to IKEA. What a waste of energy. Practically 2/3 of the place was boarded up for upgrading. *slap forehead* *slap forehead again*.

Duh… upgrading so that new stock can be displayed for the august 2008 season. Duh *slaps forehead. again*. That’s why I got the members sale preview. Duh. Double-duh.

So hopped into a cab, zipped to Paragon.

What I got made me smile from ear to ear… kinda crumbled to my needy wishes… got myself a pair of FitFlops. Apparently the latest thing to hit the footwear fashion department. Not just any flipflop, it is a gym on your soles. Too bad they only carry one model at moment. The one that I want, “Electra” (all sequins and girly) will come in end of august. What the heck, I’ll just order it off the net. Since I know my size already. Got the “Walkstar” in black. Wore it there and then in the shop. My heels… they went into the bag. Actually wanted it in white/red. But I think the black/black looks good. Hey, black always looks good.

FitFlops claim to “…increase calf muscle efforts, and extends the avtivation time of certain muscles (your rectus femoris and gluteus maximus muscles) during every single step.”

So look out for miss bigass with a tighter ass soon. Hehehehehehehehe…..HOK (choked on my own laughter, if that’s possible).

Feeling in the mood to exercise (suddenly), I walked all the way from Paragon to Somerset mrt. Took the train to BoonLay. Standing all the way. No pain in feet. Feeling good. Feeling real good. Then can pound it some more at Jurong Point. Then take the bus home, some more. Legs no pain… very good. Cos I really can’t imagine myself doing all this walking in heels. Sheer suicide.

So now, at 11.45pm, my calves are starting to feel a little sore. Earlier, while flipping thru the FitFlops insert, they said… “…As such, we recommend that the FitFlop be used progressively to avoid excessive muscle soreness.”

Now then they say.

Husband, pass me the muscle rub. I cant move my legs.

Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Robert Maynard Hutchins

Mess De Royale

I am a total wreck. I can't seem to think straight anymore. I need to think twice, thrice, or even more before making a decision. Or any decision, for that matter.

This emotional slump is really hitting me hard. No amount of acting or role playing can hide the fact that it’s eating me inside. And leaving just a hollow shell for all the world to see.

I’m spent. My batteries are nearing their expiry dates. All I want to do is just sit in a corner, cry, and eventually die. I just feel neglected. Ignored. By those I thought cared for me.

I just want to call it quits. Pack my bags. Explore the world. See what it has to offer. The grass is always greener on the other side, they say. But you won’t know how green it is until you see it, won’t you?

Scratches of ink on a piece of paper. Maybe, thinking back, it was done in haste. Yes I wanted it, but don’t all people at one point in their lives? I should have followed my gut instincts. I let the sugared dreams cloud my judgments.

Ah, the folly of trying to fit in. The foolishness of doing what is expected.

Sheesh.

This burden, this weight… it’s too heavy to be carried alone. But if it has to be done, it has to be done.

Whatever I tried, it seems to backfire. Nothing I do is right. It has been one left turn after another.

Will the next decision I make be the one to finally break this vicious cycle?

Enough, snap out of it, pessimistic prick. Still got a pulse. Be thankful.

Just to break the black mood… watch this clip. I never thought I could laugh so hard.

Alone

Can someone please give me a hug? It's been ages since someone... anyone... has given me a hug.

Whatever.

Even a half-hearted hug will do.

Pleeeaaaaasssseeeeeee.

Empty.

Emotionally empty.

My thoughts don't matter no more. My opinions don't count no more.

Invisible.

Unloved.

But He's there. Right?

Unconditional.

I get so exhausted trying to make everyone happy that I forget about my own happiness. Enough of all the acting and pretending.

I'll just cry and cry and cry these silent tears until I start to laugh at myself.

Yeah,

I know.

Sounds loopy.

Maybe I am.

33.

wtf have I been doing all my life? I am at a junction in my life where I just don't know where I am heading. Or where I have been.

So many things unachieved. So many dreams not realised.

So sad.

So freaking sad.

So please.

I need a hug. And someone... anyone... telling me that it will be ok tomoro.

Even tho it's one big fucking lie.


Cynically Depressed

I'm full of emptiness
Relaxing with my stress
Don't try to clean my mess
I'm happier this way

I live for my demise
I love who I despise
Feed me a soothing lie
I'm happier that way

When I die
Will I feel darkness in the light
Will I see beauty when I'm blind
I don't have energy for rest
Because I'm cynically depressed

I never thought living clean
Would keep me so lonely
Cure my healthy disease
I'm happier this way

I'm climbing up your walls
So you can watch me fall
I'll never know it all
I'm happier that way

When I die
Will I feel darkness in the light
Will I see beauty when I'm blind
I don't have energy for rest

Because I'm cynically depressed
My youth is dying of apathy and old age
Under my skin is a child running away

When I die
Will I feel darkness in the light
Will I see beauty when I'm blind
I don't have energy for rest
Because I'm cynically depressed

Was just about to log off the net, but You-Tube was making a last minute call. Didn't disappoint me.

Enjoy.



Yeah, I have a bloody corny sense of humour.

Me and My Big Mouth

Yep. I got the attack of the damn irritating cough and sore throat. So bad I felt like reaching in and really giving my throat a damn good scratch. Like how a dog thumps its’ tail when you give it a good scratch behind the ears. I mean, you get the picture.

I have been hacking my throat out since last week, and haven’t really got the energy to do anything else except zone out from the medications. Hey, wait-a-minute, I have been zoning out even without the help of the meds. Heheh, I guess I was more spaced out, then.

The kids thought it was hilarious that mummy dearest lost her voice. So they pretty much tried to ruled the roost. The operative word being tried. Cos I would ultimately catch up with them, and in my raspiest voice, give them a piece of my mind. Didn’t work much, coz half the time while disciplining, I was hacking my lungs out till I was teary.

To make matters worse, I started to leak. No shame in it. I admit it. Kegel didn’t really work for me. Took too much effort. Heh. Dammit! I felt so handicapped! Everytime I wanted to let out a big cough, I have to make sure I am seated. You get what I mean, girls.

And I tell you, nothing brings on a migraine attack like a bad coughing session! I felt like the left side of my head was held in a tight hold. Like being held in a vice-like grip. It took all of my self control to walk in a straight line and not be seen like a drunk. Cos for me, when it hits really, really bad, I have to be guided by walls to get around.

But…

That didn’t stop me from hauling the kids to the Night Safari last Friday. I know, very irresponsible of me. But what the heck. I had fun. They had fun. That’s what matters most. And the most important point of it all, they were totally bushed after the trip, they fell asleep like angels. No pillowfights, no arguments over who gets which pillows or which bed to sleep on. Oh yeah, the small one can be quite feisty. And a sneaky fighter.

And I loaded my system with the necessary drugs and got knocked out until nearly 10.30am the next day.

Serves me right. But I deserve it.

Even when I'm sick and depressed, I love life.

Arthur Rubinstein

Stupid... Stupider... Stupidest...

Was just trying to kill boredom. Found this.

You figure out who the dimwit was in the first place.

All's Well That Ends Well... I think

Yeah, I know… it’s been a loooong time since I last updated my blog. For a moment, I kinda forgot my url/login/password. Again. Blur babe.

Its 11.24pm as I switched on the laptop. Finally, got the kids to settle down and go to bed. Even with bibik, they can be quite a handful. Both of them.

April was an eventful month for me. And for the family. Went to the neuro, got new meds. Was ok for a while. But a few days back got such a massive attack I had to hold to walls to make my way to the kitchen to take my meds. It was that excruciating. That was how bad my migraine attacks were before my meds were “upgraded”. And those kinds of attacks averaged about once a week.

Where shall I start with the family? The kids were knocked out with the flu superbug, I was a stay-at-home mum for a solid week. They both hit the forties till they hallucinated. Heheh, kinda scared me, those episodes. Yep, both of them. The irritating thing was, the temps usually peaked at 2-3am in the morning. I was up all night alternating between the both of them. I was a walking zombie the whole week. Just as they were on the mend, bibik succumbed to it too. I was a regular at the GP that week. I guess I was running on pure adrenaline the whole freaking week. Till now, I am still trying to catch up on my zzzzzs.

Since I had no alternative but to stay at home to assist bibik with the kids, I called the office to re-delegate the projects for the week. And guess what, the super-duper engineer was so reluctant to take on extra jobs he tried to weasel his way out of it. Even suggesting that I come into the office for just a few hours every day just to make sure things are moving. WTF! If I am showing my face in the office for a few hours, I might as well stay there the whole day, right? (Ok, I am beginning to rant here.) I told him off in my most calm voice – took a whole lot of effort – that my kids are the priority at the moment, and they need me at the moment. I pretty much explained in detail the whats, wheres, and whys of the various projects that was due that week. And guess what; he only managed to cover just about half. Ok, for a dumbass, I guess that took a whole lot of effort.

Kakak missed two exam papers due to the flu. English and MT composition writing. I hope she does well in the main language papers to make up for it. She was still a little groggy from the meds when she sat for the maths and language papers. Next week is the PTC where I get to meet her form-teacher and see her exam scripts. Though hoping to see great results, I an happy if she just made the passing grade. I guess we just have to work harder during the S2 papers to make up for it.

The thing with this superbug, it takes a long while for the body to shake it off. Kakak and bibik are still coughing and sniffling from it. Adik still has runny snot once in a while when he gets too hyper. I think I got to make another visit to the GP this weekend to really kill off the coughs.

The surprising thing is, Both hubs and I have not fallen sick throughout the whole month. That is a miracle in itself. Cos I am usually the “opener” and “closer” of the flu attacks in the house. (Actually I found a little trick.) Its not about loading up on vitamin c – by then its too late, anyways. Just by chance, my throat was feeling a little scratchy, so I grabbed whatever snacks that was in my locker in the office. 2 miserable mini-packs of sundried raisins. Not the most enticing snacks, you might say. But after whacking both packs and washing it down with about two swigs of water, the itchiness in my throat just disappeared. Like dewdrops in the morning sun. Just like that. And they never came back. So I told myself, perfect little flu busters. And now I always have a few minipacks in my locker. And it took me 33 years to find out about it. Sheesh!

Actually, got loads more to tell you, but the thoughts are like just zipping here there everywhere in my mind that I can’t, no, don’t know where to start. I guess this is what happens when you just…. I don’t know… let the world fly by you?

And oh yeah, Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all mothers. I guess that flew past me too.

(Enjoy the following quotes, I couldn’t decide which was the best.)

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone

At work, you think of the children you have left at home. At home, you think of the work you've left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent.
-Golda Meir

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.
-Hodding Carter

The most effective form of birth control I know is spending the day with my kids.
-Jill Bensley

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Still Loopy in the Loop

Yeah... still surviving. Still breathing. Still suffering intense migraine attacks. Went for another check-up at AH yesterday. My neurologist upgraded my meds since the ones he prescribed 3 mths ago weren't helping at all. Sometimes I just feel like banging my head on the table just to block out the pain.

So there, you have a pill-popping junkie in your midst.

Will update more regarding my mental state of health when my brain is all wired up properly again.

Oh yeah, btw, my needs and wants list... scrap it. Just let me sleep all I want. That'll be the best gift of all right now.

(But a new pair of heels won't hurt either)

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Albert Einstein

HELP..... i... can't... focus...!!!!!!

I am barely surviving.

It's been a few weeks since I last updated my blog. It's not that I've been procrastinating; it's just that I find it such an effort to just... THINK. I mean, my brain is just so dead the moment I get home, I tell you, I can just sit in front of the telly with my eyes glazed over, and not know what the hell I've been watching for the past hour.

So, sorry peeps, just give me time to find my grey matter again. I am so drained, it is taking me aaaaaa llllooooooootttttt ooooooooffffffff tttttiiiiimmmmmmeeeeee just to get this post up.

Bear with it, will ya!

"I can see clearly now, the brain is gone..."

Shit Happens

Life can’t get more crappy than it already is, right? Up to my eyeballs in shit and they still think I can take in one more job. Last week in the office I was just moments away from having salty tears ruin my drawings again. Again.

I drag my feet to work. Everyday. I miss the days when I actually wake up and look forward to what the day holds for me. Nothing excites me anymore.

Life is so structured, so monotonous, ITS EYEBALL-GOUGING BORING!

Wake up, shower, get dressed. Check, check, check. Eh, wait. Forget to wear bra. Happened this morning. Mind was preoccupied on how to survive another day in the hellhole, oops, office. Ok, bra on. Check. Kiss kids goodbye, slip into shoes, run to elevator landing. Check, check, check. Run to bus-stop in heels to catch feeder service. #@$%! Bus left just as I reached the main road. Pagi-pagi lagi da sumpah orang!

Reach the office, said a little prayer before switching on the workstation. For peace of mind and also my sanity. Cos it can get a little too crazy. Especially on Monday mornings.

Gone are the days when I can still joke and laugh with my colleagues. My colleagues say that I have turned into a grumpy old fart, coz I seem to lose my top every other minute. How not to, when my engineer is such a DUMB-ASS he puts a stupid donkey to shame.

ARGHHHHH!!!

If only I made a bet with my colleagues today. I think I would have won a few bucks. As predicted, by moi, he AWOL. Again. It's becoming a pattern. Either he comes sauntering in at 9, at noon, or doesn’t come in at all. F***ing Jerk! Today, he didn’t turn up at all. And no phonecall. Zilch, zero, nada, nothing!

An operations staff from the workshops once mentioned that if we were to wait for my engineer to turn up for meetings and make a decision, the company would have “closed-shop” long ago.

My boss have hinted a few times to this bugger to buck up. But it remains to be seen. Gone case lah. I think he is just waiting to collect his bonus end of this month and leave. Well, I say good riddance.

What people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can.
Henry David Thoreau

Goody two shus

Met up with the Chai Chee clan about a fortnight ago. Another excuse to walk-walk, eat and shop. Mum finally agreed that Crocs are worth the money. Actually her soles were hurting from all those heels she's been wearing.

So we decided to go to the Marina outlet. And.. mum... chose... the... wedgies... I don't get it. Another pair of heels? I get enough workout on my toes walking in heels from Monday to Thursday in the office. (Truth be told, I cheat a little. I got a spare set of flip-flops in the office. Swear by my Havaianas.) Looking around the shop while my mum was deciding on colours... I saw a pair... THE pair... Celeste Suede.

Berry nice! Berry comfy! Berry worth the price! Looks a little grubby even tho I've worn it only twice. Personally, I call it well-seasoned. Hubs really liked a pair he saw, but damn of all damns... it had pig lining. Too bad!

See!!!!! I manages to upload pictures!!!!! After searching the whole room and cussing, I finally found the USB cable. In the study table drawer. How dense. Yaaaaayyyyy!!!

So there... my wishlist is slowly being realised... can't wait to get my hands on a pair of Campers, tho'. That one... will have to wait for a little while... Even then, I dare not stop by the outlet at Beeboh CT, or else the staff will have to mop up my drool.

Life s one damned thing after another. - Elbert Hubbard