Let me sit in my corner.

Let me find my space.

Leave me alone.

I need to fight my demons.

I need to win this war.

Fill In The Blank

It was a perfect Friday. Things were going unbelievingly smooth. It was nearing knock-off time. Then I went blank. My mind literally went blank. I couldn’t remember what the hell I was doing. And I was midway into a drawing set. Something so familiar that I can do it even in my sleep. For the love of God, what am I supposed to do next?

I just went totally blank. My neurons weren’t connecting.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I cant even give an answer at that point in time if my boss were to ask me. It’s amazing how peaceful and scary that can be. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen, willing my brain to somehow switch back “on”. But it was done for the day. Try as I may, nothing clicked. So for the remaining, what…, half hour or so, I stared, blinking and open-mouthed at my computer screen.

A ringing telephone woke me up from my stupor. I packed up my things and left the office. I nid to think. About what? I don’t know. Go where? I don’t know. I just neded someone to talk to. To offload.

Its Friday, fergodsakes. People got plans. Who the hell would want to spend time being a shoulder to a neurotic loon who lost it in the office?

Running through my contact list, I manage to get a good friend of mine to please meet up with me. She had ship-bunkering to attend to, but she’ll dump it and meet me anyways. God bless for a friend like her.

So while waiting for her to knock off, I took the train without any solid plans. And just headed east. Alighted at cityhall station and walked aimlessly through citilink. Didn’t feel like eating, didn’t feel like stopping by the shoe shops, just walked and walked and walked. Walked into hmv, hoping I could find an album to cheer me up. Found nothing, except a headache from all the loud music they were playing. Left the place.

Walked on to mph. heaven. Had nothing in mind, just browsed the shelves randomly. Picking up any book which had an interesting title or cover. Just read passages here and there. But nothing interesting enough to make me bring out the wallet. Just as well.

My friend called, said she has left the office. So ok, we’ll meet at vivo. At least there’s B&J.

Upon meeting her at candy empire (our meeting point), I burst into tears. It just happened. And I was shaking. My hands were literally shaking. Right there and then in the middle of candy empire. I didn’t care that people were staring at me. I know those idiots were. My friend had to hold my hand and guide me out of the shop, I was still crying like a baby.

She has never seen me like this through-out our friendship. I told her that I just went blank in the office. Just like that. I couldn’t think. I was scared. i… i… I was at a loss for words, for once. She didn’t say anything. Just walked beside me. I guess that’s what I needed at that moment. Someone to hear me talk and not make any judgments.

Thank you friend for being there when I really needed someone at that scary moment. I don’t know where I would have ended up that evening.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

Letting Off Steam

Yeah… I am on a mission.

Whenever my friend is coming, I get all wired up and buzzed and knotty over the slightest little thing. And got like loads of energy waiting to be spent. Craving like no tomorrow, and feeling like laughing and crying and screaming AND whining all at the same time. Sheesh. Scares even me. And one more thing… feeling as graceful as a bloody obese and heavily pregnant walrus. I tell you, if there is one thing I can live without… it’s water retention. I cried on Wednesday morning when I had difficulty buttoning my pants. Cried. Ok. Loopy bitch.

That chick-lit trash I bought yesterday… just about halfway through it. I tell you, it’s hilarious, tho the pace wanders off a little here and there.

“what is a blowjob? It’s what you have done to your hair after a cut.”

The author deadpans to a 5-year old when asked. I was shaking like a lunatic this morning reading this sentence. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. I tell you, if I had one of you kakis with me, I will be laughing like crazy. And that is just one example of the many that I spotted so far.

...substituting a tampon for a ciggie...

...raw oyster looking like snot...

Today was an ok day in the office. Not much hell. Must be the weekend mood kicking in. tomorrow is Friday. Even better. What shall I do over the weekend….? So many things to do. So little time. Precious time. I tell you, I can plan to do so many things and I’ll end up doing the same things every bleeding weekend.

Hear the alarm at 6.30 am, wakes up 2 hours later.

Rolls on bed planning for the day.

Tumbles out of bed around 9. showers

Go market.

The rest of the day is shrouded in a haze of eating, wasting infront of the tv, catching up on emails, eating, wishing I was already at the gym, reading, eating, sleeping, playing with the kids. And oh yeah, did I mention eating?

You catch the drift.

Wasted life.

And with my friend coming any time soon… bollocks.

Dusted off my new NB shoes. (refer to one of my earliest posts). Enough procrastinating. Will walk. Will not bother to jog. Takes too much effort. And my left knee is killing me.

My dad said that once I have shaved off the extra klos, my knee wont be hurting so much. Damn, I hope he is right. Coz last Sunday I couldn’t get up from bed. It hurts. That bad.

Seriously.

I have stopped wearing my heels to work altogether. Even my ballet flats are kept neatly in the shoe rack. I go everywhere with my FitFlops now. Has anyone noticed how tight my bum is already? Wakakakakakaka… of course, when it has been forced into my pants. Which are getting a little too snug for comfort.

Heard on the radio about this extremely fat guy who lost a lot of weight just by proportion control and walking. It meant that he didn’t cut out anything from his diet, he just took it in smaller amounts. And he walked . a lot. Coz he was too heavy to be doing all that strenuous stuff. I think I can handle that. I think.

Vous thinks?

I am a witch when I am tired.

Joanne Fedler

Thought to Self

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout : This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision."
Stacey Charter

-Don't you just love her?

French Fried

Wuz feeling crappy when I left the office. Had to walk off the anger. Stopped by jpt and headed to Popular. Had great fun browsing the magazines and smelling the new paperbacks. Yeah, I know, weird. New, unread books have this unexplained, nice, addictive smell on them. Gave me a high. So high that I “absent-mindedly” picked up one chick-lit trash and a “Beginner’s French” cd/book set.

See what a blanked-out, non-thinking brain can do to me.

Hehehe… got this new project on my hands. What mess did I get myself into now? But I need a new challenge. Got to pick up where I left off yonks ago. Passed my Grade 1 french, but kind of lost it in the cobwebs of my brain. Diana, Hirah, I need your help. Can’t touch French soil, but at least I can speak their language.

Now… if I can only figure out how to download the contents of the cd into my mp3.

Aider, s'il vous plaît ?

Getting there, somehow…

note to self : next purchase : eng/french translation dickshenary

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

B. F. Skinner

A Million Miles Away

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend
And I'm wondering who will be the first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to "could have been"s and we should be letting go.

It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right
And we both know that the story's ending
We play the part but we're just pretending
And I can't hide the tears
'Cause even though you're here
It feels like you're a million miles away

Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season's love is changed
And every time I think about it, it tears me up inside
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry

We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before
While our song is playing its last note
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door.


Note to self : get her cds. Rihanna. Looks good. Sounds better. Killer lyrics.

Hissy Fit

Let me rant… I am pms-ing. And f* pissed about it.

Work… sucks. What’s new. My one hell-uva “great” engineer has finally left the building. So less stress there. Sorta. The guy taking over him is quite new to the whole ball-game. Good *uck to him. SCM audit coming soon. That’s what my big boss says. Nid to dig out old archives and put them in order just in case. Got to keep my shit clean, know what I mean? Dang the system, I say.

And one more thing. This bee-yatch joins our department with no technical background and she starts as an Asst Engineer? Engineer my ass, I say. Just cos she grad with a diploma. No offence to dip grads, but she flat out disgraces anyone who graduated, at any level, with a technical accreditation. F* rite? She claims it has always been a dream of her to work in a shipyard. OMG! I nearly laughed out loud in her face. WTF you talking, BITCH? You step on my turf, you dead.

Yeah, I miss my B&J. Nothing else will do. There is no other substitute.

Sometimes I just zone out while sitting on the porcelain throne at the office. I mean, is this all there is to it? So mechanical, so tick-tock-tick-tock clockwork. It sucks. Especially when there are 1001 more exciting things to do. (like making up new B&J flavours)

My brain bits are flying here there everywhere. I just cant seem to keep on a common thread for long. But basically that’s it. I love what I do. Only if people didn’t try to always push me over the edge.

End of this month I’ll be getting a little white package from my boss (he's another one leaving next month.. been expecting it). I wonder what it’ll say. My performance for the next year depends heavily on it.

So till then, I’ll be pissing my anger around.

Oh yeah, sushi is sooooooo passé.

Gimme B&J…. Gimme ginger chocolates. (nice rite, kremps?)

Oh f*, just let me sleep in for a whole day. And letting me get away with it.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Mark Twain

To the rescue of a Sakunite

Diana, you wanted recipe for laksa, I heard? I got one, husband swears by it. I don’t have the exact measurements (sort of), but I hope you have mastered the skill of guesstimation.

Laksa Lemak (for a family of 4)
4 ekor ikan kembung – rebus, keep the fish stock, use only the meat, throw the bones
(*)1 fistful of udang kering – soak to remove impurities, then rinse
2 batang serai – dititik
(*)2 biji bawang besar
(*)1 fistful bawang putih
(*)2 sudu besar cili boh
(*)1 teaspoon serbuk kunyit
2 small packs kara santan – you might not need all
salt to taste
mee laksa – celur n set aside
taugeh – celur in hot water, rinsed immed in cold, icy water (retain crunchiness)
taupok – cut diagonally in half
tauhu kecil – cut diagonally in half, goreng basah
fishball
fish cake – goreng basah and sliced, put aside
daun selasih – cut finely, for topping/garninsh
daun kesum – cut finely, for topping/garnish
udang – goreng (marinate w a little kunyit serbuk and salt), for topping/garnish
kerang - goreng (shelled, make sure cleaned well, marinated same as udang), for topping/garnish
cucumber – buang kulit, discard the jantung timun (I think tt’s wat its called), shred the rest.

for sambal :
blend cili boh n some salt to taste, tu je.

step 1 :
blend together all the stuffs marked (*)

step 2 :
add in the kembung flesh and 1 senduk fish stock

step 3 :
panaskan minyak, tumis the blended things

step 4 :
dah mendidih, masukkan taupok & fish balls

step 5 :
masukkan santan

step 6 :
masukkan tahu kecil (last, coz it has been goreng basah earlier)


presentation :
place taugeh n noodles in bowl
put in the gravy and isi-isinya
then arrange the udang, kerang, fish cake, timun, daun-daun on top
add a big dollop of sambal for kicks

switch on the tv, put the fan on max, enjoy your bowl of laksa and sweat it, man!

last month, tried something a little different. swapped the mee laksa with udon noodles. I tell, you… sedap! More filling and satisfying. No regrets on that experimentation.

If all else fails, gimme a call n we can play masak-masak again like old times.
But this time not with grass and pebbles.

Where was I...?

So many things to update… so little brain space to share. So typical of me.

Miss Scatterbrain.

Damn…

System all choked up with drugs to think clearly. Yeah, drugs doing me in. Legal drugs. The kind where if I don’t keep track I’ll be head banging on my desk. Sheesh, enough already.

Went for my checkup again just now. Everything went ok. Except that for a 3pm appt, I only managed to see the neurologist at 3.40pm. mp3, once again, saved the day. Ladida-ladida, after getting my meds, left the hospital a bout 4.45pm.

Footed it to IKEA. What a waste of energy. Practically 2/3 of the place was boarded up for upgrading. *slap forehead* *slap forehead again*.

Duh… upgrading so that new stock can be displayed for the august 2008 season. Duh *slaps forehead. again*. That’s why I got the members sale preview. Duh. Double-duh.

So hopped into a cab, zipped to Paragon.

What I got made me smile from ear to ear… kinda crumbled to my needy wishes… got myself a pair of FitFlops. Apparently the latest thing to hit the footwear fashion department. Not just any flipflop, it is a gym on your soles. Too bad they only carry one model at moment. The one that I want, “Electra” (all sequins and girly) will come in end of august. What the heck, I’ll just order it off the net. Since I know my size already. Got the “Walkstar” in black. Wore it there and then in the shop. My heels… they went into the bag. Actually wanted it in white/red. But I think the black/black looks good. Hey, black always looks good.

FitFlops claim to “…increase calf muscle efforts, and extends the avtivation time of certain muscles (your rectus femoris and gluteus maximus muscles) during every single step.”

So look out for miss bigass with a tighter ass soon. Hehehehehehehehe…..HOK (choked on my own laughter, if that’s possible).

Feeling in the mood to exercise (suddenly), I walked all the way from Paragon to Somerset mrt. Took the train to BoonLay. Standing all the way. No pain in feet. Feeling good. Feeling real good. Then can pound it some more at Jurong Point. Then take the bus home, some more. Legs no pain… very good. Cos I really can’t imagine myself doing all this walking in heels. Sheer suicide.

So now, at 11.45pm, my calves are starting to feel a little sore. Earlier, while flipping thru the FitFlops insert, they said… “…As such, we recommend that the FitFlop be used progressively to avoid excessive muscle soreness.”

Now then they say.

Husband, pass me the muscle rub. I cant move my legs.

Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes.

Robert Maynard Hutchins