Crossroads

Oooohhh f*****************************k!

It’s about time. Well, actually, they postponed it. My annual appraisal and worth to the company. I wonder if the blood, sweat, tears and m-f curses were all worth it. And at the rate my body is becoming a medicine cabinet with all the pills I am imbibing… sheeeeeeeshhhhhh………

I am sick and freaking tired of it. Of it all. It makes me depressed just thinking about it. Every Sunday night I go into withdrawal symptoms and get super grouchy. The office. The work. The super nonsensical bitchiness of slay or be slayed. (I love what I do, please don’t get me wrong.)

I donno lah. I just want to take off, without a care. To where, I don’t know. Sometimes I sit on the throne and just cry… hot silent angry tears. Frustration. Desperation.

The money is good. But not ‘hell-yeah’ kind of super good. Personally, for the shit I have been wading through the past year, I hope I have done enough for a promotion and a raise. Once I get it in black and white… its time to look through classifieds. But actually I am just waiting for that godforsaken white letter before I make any big moves.

But being in a very specialized field, it’s not exactly a walk in the park trying to get a new job. And from the way I left my former company… I don’t think I will be welcomed back there, or its sister company in this lifetime. Ask me personally, and I’ll tell you what I did. haha… that one took guts.

So many paths lie before me. Which one to choose? Knowing that whatever decision I make will affect others… makes it all the more difficult.

Oh blardee hell…. Why didn’t anyone tell me it life would be f*d up like this?

FishFood anyone?

If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work.

Kahlil Gibran

Let me sit in my corner.

Let me find my space.

Leave me alone.

I need to fight my demons.

I need to win this war.

Fill In The Blank

It was a perfect Friday. Things were going unbelievingly smooth. It was nearing knock-off time. Then I went blank. My mind literally went blank. I couldn’t remember what the hell I was doing. And I was midway into a drawing set. Something so familiar that I can do it even in my sleep. For the love of God, what am I supposed to do next?

I just went totally blank. My neurons weren’t connecting.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I cant even give an answer at that point in time if my boss were to ask me. It’s amazing how peaceful and scary that can be. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen, willing my brain to somehow switch back “on”. But it was done for the day. Try as I may, nothing clicked. So for the remaining, what…, half hour or so, I stared, blinking and open-mouthed at my computer screen.

A ringing telephone woke me up from my stupor. I packed up my things and left the office. I nid to think. About what? I don’t know. Go where? I don’t know. I just neded someone to talk to. To offload.

Its Friday, fergodsakes. People got plans. Who the hell would want to spend time being a shoulder to a neurotic loon who lost it in the office?

Running through my contact list, I manage to get a good friend of mine to please meet up with me. She had ship-bunkering to attend to, but she’ll dump it and meet me anyways. God bless for a friend like her.

So while waiting for her to knock off, I took the train without any solid plans. And just headed east. Alighted at cityhall station and walked aimlessly through citilink. Didn’t feel like eating, didn’t feel like stopping by the shoe shops, just walked and walked and walked. Walked into hmv, hoping I could find an album to cheer me up. Found nothing, except a headache from all the loud music they were playing. Left the place.

Walked on to mph. heaven. Had nothing in mind, just browsed the shelves randomly. Picking up any book which had an interesting title or cover. Just read passages here and there. But nothing interesting enough to make me bring out the wallet. Just as well.

My friend called, said she has left the office. So ok, we’ll meet at vivo. At least there’s B&J.

Upon meeting her at candy empire (our meeting point), I burst into tears. It just happened. And I was shaking. My hands were literally shaking. Right there and then in the middle of candy empire. I didn’t care that people were staring at me. I know those idiots were. My friend had to hold my hand and guide me out of the shop, I was still crying like a baby.

She has never seen me like this through-out our friendship. I told her that I just went blank in the office. Just like that. I couldn’t think. I was scared. i… i… I was at a loss for words, for once. She didn’t say anything. Just walked beside me. I guess that’s what I needed at that moment. Someone to hear me talk and not make any judgments.

Thank you friend for being there when I really needed someone at that scary moment. I don’t know where I would have ended up that evening.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

Letting Off Steam

Yeah… I am on a mission.

Whenever my friend is coming, I get all wired up and buzzed and knotty over the slightest little thing. And got like loads of energy waiting to be spent. Craving like no tomorrow, and feeling like laughing and crying and screaming AND whining all at the same time. Sheesh. Scares even me. And one more thing… feeling as graceful as a bloody obese and heavily pregnant walrus. I tell you, if there is one thing I can live without… it’s water retention. I cried on Wednesday morning when I had difficulty buttoning my pants. Cried. Ok. Loopy bitch.

That chick-lit trash I bought yesterday… just about halfway through it. I tell you, it’s hilarious, tho the pace wanders off a little here and there.

“what is a blowjob? It’s what you have done to your hair after a cut.”

The author deadpans to a 5-year old when asked. I was shaking like a lunatic this morning reading this sentence. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. I tell you, if I had one of you kakis with me, I will be laughing like crazy. And that is just one example of the many that I spotted so far.

...substituting a tampon for a ciggie...

...raw oyster looking like snot...

Today was an ok day in the office. Not much hell. Must be the weekend mood kicking in. tomorrow is Friday. Even better. What shall I do over the weekend….? So many things to do. So little time. Precious time. I tell you, I can plan to do so many things and I’ll end up doing the same things every bleeding weekend.

Hear the alarm at 6.30 am, wakes up 2 hours later.

Rolls on bed planning for the day.

Tumbles out of bed around 9. showers

Go market.

The rest of the day is shrouded in a haze of eating, wasting infront of the tv, catching up on emails, eating, wishing I was already at the gym, reading, eating, sleeping, playing with the kids. And oh yeah, did I mention eating?

You catch the drift.

Wasted life.

And with my friend coming any time soon… bollocks.

Dusted off my new NB shoes. (refer to one of my earliest posts). Enough procrastinating. Will walk. Will not bother to jog. Takes too much effort. And my left knee is killing me.

My dad said that once I have shaved off the extra klos, my knee wont be hurting so much. Damn, I hope he is right. Coz last Sunday I couldn’t get up from bed. It hurts. That bad.

Seriously.

I have stopped wearing my heels to work altogether. Even my ballet flats are kept neatly in the shoe rack. I go everywhere with my FitFlops now. Has anyone noticed how tight my bum is already? Wakakakakakaka… of course, when it has been forced into my pants. Which are getting a little too snug for comfort.

Heard on the radio about this extremely fat guy who lost a lot of weight just by proportion control and walking. It meant that he didn’t cut out anything from his diet, he just took it in smaller amounts. And he walked . a lot. Coz he was too heavy to be doing all that strenuous stuff. I think I can handle that. I think.

Vous thinks?

I am a witch when I am tired.

Joanne Fedler

Thought to Self

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout : This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision."
Stacey Charter

-Don't you just love her?

French Fried

Wuz feeling crappy when I left the office. Had to walk off the anger. Stopped by jpt and headed to Popular. Had great fun browsing the magazines and smelling the new paperbacks. Yeah, I know, weird. New, unread books have this unexplained, nice, addictive smell on them. Gave me a high. So high that I “absent-mindedly” picked up one chick-lit trash and a “Beginner’s French” cd/book set.

See what a blanked-out, non-thinking brain can do to me.

Hehehe… got this new project on my hands. What mess did I get myself into now? But I need a new challenge. Got to pick up where I left off yonks ago. Passed my Grade 1 french, but kind of lost it in the cobwebs of my brain. Diana, Hirah, I need your help. Can’t touch French soil, but at least I can speak their language.

Now… if I can only figure out how to download the contents of the cd into my mp3.

Aider, s'il vous plaît ?

Getting there, somehow…

note to self : next purchase : eng/french translation dickshenary

Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.

B. F. Skinner

A Million Miles Away

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend
And I'm wondering who will be the first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to "could have been"s and we should be letting go.

It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right
And we both know that the story's ending
We play the part but we're just pretending
And I can't hide the tears
'Cause even though you're here
It feels like you're a million miles away

Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season's love is changed
And every time I think about it, it tears me up inside
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry

We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before
While our song is playing its last note
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door.


Note to self : get her cds. Rihanna. Looks good. Sounds better. Killer lyrics.